Nazi loony alert
8th August, 2013
This charming man, Gregory Lauder-Frost, vice-president of the Traditional Britain Group believes that Doreen Lawrence is “without merit”.
I believe he may be “without marbles”.—More Rants/Slates
—Twat on tube
London July 26th 2013
7th August, 2013
Airports. I walk the gauntlet of painted ladies and try to fight off the olfactory assault. Right after the martial roadblock of security the inquisition of the wallet. If there’s an empty space, put a shop on it. You can’t get near a chair until you’ve done the corridor of consumption. I buy a Private Eye from a scrupulously polite young man in a glorified kiosk. He’s going places and so am I. I espy in the lounge a soundman with whom I am acquainted but he’s deeply buried in a book. A little further on I see Stevie Jackson from B&S but he too is engrossed, headphones locked over his curly hair so I resist interrupting and take a seat in my own little patch. We all have our own little patch. A very pretty young mother approaches with two red-faced bairns and parks opposite. I pick up my…—More Tales
—Berkley Square, minus nightingale.
London, 11th July 2013
12th July, 2013
I’m sitting in Berkley Square completely surrounded by the inexorably circling feeding frenzy of London traffic. The stately Georgian townhouses seem to glare down upon my classlessness. Behind me in the Bentley shop window, big glinting automobiles squat like hounds panting gently on the lord of the manor’s drawing room carpet. The noise around me is vast and unnameable and lulls me into a pleasant stupor. The odd horn blast declares itself above the din but it is this huge congregation of machines that predominates. London is alive with the dread sound of engines burning oil and spewing every kind of particulate into the warm evening air. Business types flit by on their borrowed Boris Bikes; a sprinkler, muted by the cacophony, flicks fake rain about the place which the lurid grass drinks enthusiastically. I regard a pair of red telephone boxes set beside an old-fashioned…—More Tales
—A hot Scotsman, yesterday
Hyde Park BST this Friday
9th July, 2013
My show at Hyde Park this Friday is now free due to Elton John having to pull out of the headline slot through illness. If you have a valid ticket you’ll get a refund and if you don’t you can go here:
and get a FREE ticket.
You get Ray Davies, Elvis Costello and the wonderful Nick Lowe for nothing in a lovely park in central London in great weather so if you’re not doing anything come on down. I’m on around three on a side stage. Call me Sideshow Bob. Call me cheap, desperate, call me what you will. It’s free. —More Rants/Slates
Raised and Confused
8th July, 2013
There seems to have been a lot of confusion and bad blood stirred up by the strange sight of Alex Salmond attempting to raise the Scottish saltire behind David Cameron’s beetroot little head in the posh seats of Centre Court after Andy Murray’s victory in the men’s final at Wimbledon (I’ll never tire of saying that).
When I mentioned that I thought it was “cheeky” I was immediately lambasted by nationalists (presumably) who asserted that there is nothing mischievous about a national leader holding the national flag in celebration of one of the nation’s sons’ successes. I understand their point but I feel the need to explore this a little further.
Was Salmond’s act akin to, say, the South African premier waving a national flag after seeing a fellow countrywoman winning an Olympic gold medal? Or Angela Merkel holding a little German flag on a stick after her country’s football team…—More Rants/Slates
—Some extremely wealthy and protected people yesterday
Spending review
27th June, 2013
Yesterday the United Kingdom parliament reached a narrow consensus on the only sensible fiscal path one’s country should take in the teeth of capitalism’s current and most urgent crisis: Blame the poor, tax the poor and disenfranchise the poor. From these three fundamental tenets there shall rise the Phoenix of growth from the ashes of a failed system. And growth there shall be. Growth (exponentially) of the difference between the upper tier of society and everything else. Growth of that tier’s interests being privileged and protected above all others. And the consequent growth of civil unrest whose suppression becomes a self-evident necessity in order to maintain security. Security to perpetuate a system based upon the enslavement of the vast majority of human beings* within it. Security that guarantees the safe passage of wealth between the entrenched-enriched: passage certified and paid for by the rest of us.
Of course the…—More Rants/Slates
—An advert, yesterday
Another apology
4th June, 2013
Apologies! A whole tranche of people’s wedding shots that were sent to Ignition got fouled up in my spam folder and I only just discovered them . So thanks and sorry they weren’t available for selection to:
Martyn Fuller
Chic Ramsay
Jill Copeman
Christine Alexander
Stephanie Christianson
Emily Walters
Ann Marston
Julie Russell
Susanne Martin
George Monaghan
Jill Rodger
Tony
Tim Berridge
Cristina Gallego—More Rants/Slates
—Bind the map
WHY I LOVE THE ENGLISH
31st May, 2013
John Lydon
Stanley Spencer
The Welsh language
They rhyme garage with disparage and Farage with mirage
Barbara Castle
The subtle art of self-deprecation
They hired a socialist to produce the opening ceremony of the London 2012 Olympic Games
John Cooper Clarke
Philip Larkin
Tottenham Hotspur
The New Forest
Roots Manuva
The Wombles
The inexorable excising of racism and homophobia simply on the grounds of decency
The Beatles
I’ll say it again: The Beatles
Tommy Cooper
Basil Brush
The Royal Shakespeare Company
Charles Darwin
Crass
The Poll Tax Riots
Eric Hobsbawm
Jane Austen
The Streets
Billy Connolly
Alfred Hitchcock
Elgar
Rachel Whiteread
Postcard Records
The absence of the death penalty
Bittersweet Symphony
TV Go Home
Graham Linehan
The NME
Rat Scabies
Nick Lowe
Yorkshire
The Independent Empire of London
The implicit understanding that morris dancers are pocket fascists
Geniuses at making fun of the Germans
Anthony Burgess
Arial by Kate Bush
Stuart Lee
Vivian Westwood
Steve McQueen
Eric Morecambe
The Smallpox vaccine
Guy Fawkes Night
The Pogues
The National Theatre
Crick & Watson
Shane Meadows
The Battle of Britain
Bobby Moore
Amy Winehouse
The BBC
The Midlands
The Shipping Forecast
Scotland—More Rants/Slates