Further Epigrams



Just because they say it’s going to be the end of the world soon is no need to cancel your subscriptions to the very organs that tell you this.


A television licence is necessary if you wish to continue to be offended.


Someday we’ll learn to abandon bigotry and racism and replace them with the understanding that everybody is an asshole and the world would be better off without them.


If you wish to continue to feel pointlessly guilty you may as well do something really bad.


The people who actually read the news have no idea what they are saying. The people who write it have no idea what they are doing.


Football fans give offence with impunity but take umbrage like spoilt little girls. They are boy-princes in their protective palaces of bullshit machismo. Laura Marling could take them all in a fight.


Tom Waits is a charlatan but a very good mover.


History repeats itself because mankind defeats himself.


In general, the bestsellers are the least worthwhile investigating. Although this is true of The Bible it is perhaps less so of The Beatles.


There is a world of difference between a good singer and a great voice and both attributes are rarely found in the same person.


Famous folks such as Bono or Sting are completely insane mainly because they try so hard not to be.  A better example of how to proceed might be to study the two great Dicks, Little and Keith.


Brian Eno might be an irritatingly urbane pretentious twat but it’s hard to argue with Low, Heroes, My Life In The Bush of Ghosts and the first Roxy Music album.


Drugs become less effective the more you use them, like everything except the imagination.


A song may salve a broken heart but a poem will save your life.


It is probably best to judge the book by its cover. That’s what the cover is for.


Put too much faith in the redeeming power of art and you will find yourself staring at  some Picasso for days without it having the slightest effect on the cancer in your stomach.


Brothers are for war and sisters are for love. Families are impossible because of this.


The facts of life are this: the less fucking you do the more your brain will fill with the kind of stuff you wouldn’t say to your worst enemy.


If, as Don Paterson attests there is no such thing as a children’s book then the same must be true of music. That being said – I don’t recommend playing “Trout Mask Replica” to anyone under 8.


Art is the process of forgetting what you are doing. This is why self-consciousness creates things like U2 albums and the dreadful paintings of Salvador Dali.


The more you think you know about how to write the more utter shit you will produce.


There is no disgrace in admitting you’re not the best just in conceding you never will be.


In a world of anaesthetised indifference it is necessary to invent a little turmoil.


If there is a God, is this some kind of joke?