Secret Album 3


It is sunny – very sunny. An acoustic guitar gallops like an eager horse. You hear everything clearly – the air is white, the ground is cream. The world is clean and it sparkles in a beautiful cool morning. Perhaps you have been awake all night. Everything is good.

You quickly slow down. The rhythm section clocks the singer like a mechanical doll. The voice is strung on the beat like a diaphanous summer dress. The air of melancholy is so sweet as to make you stoned. So much pleasure in such easy pain.

Folk-picking circles around a pretty motif. A new voice undermines its whimsicality with hints of unhappiness. You are pushed into a show-tune. There could be a chorus line, a can-can and glitter covered top-hats. These are up people for an up time. The overarching flavour is smooth. You begin to feel a little nauseous.

The clinical positivity continues but…—More Rants/Slates

Further Epigrams



Just because they say it’s going to be the end of the world soon is no need to cancel your subscriptions to the very organs that tell you this.


A television licence is necessary if you wish to continue to be offended.


Someday we’ll learn to abandon bigotry and racism and replace them with the understanding that everybody is an asshole and the world would be better off without them.


If you wish to continue to feel pointlessly guilty you may as well do something really bad.


The people who actually read the news have no idea what they are saying. The people who write it have no idea what they are doing.


Football fans give offence with impunity but take umbrage like spoilt little girls. They are boy-princes in their protective palaces of bullshit machismo. Laura Marling could take them all in a fight.


Tom Waits is a charlatan but a very good mover.


History repeats…—More Untruths

January Epigrams


Late at night is never early in the morning. Tomorrow only occurs when you decide today is done.


The things that genuinely frighten you are the things you are completely unaware of.


Don’t think you’re clever if you half understand something complicated but if you can understand how complicated it is then you’re not as simple as you thought.


Dreams mean zip. Dreams are random letters thrown together to make meaningless words in a great novel of gobbledegook. When you come across some old friend wrapped in cling-film in a cinema it’s just, “jcbjhb hfgbh sab kjdah.”


Punk rock was invented by the government to prevent anything real from changing.


You can create the actual conditions of Coldplay writing “Yellow” by sticking a Dyson up a hand-dryer.


Homonyms are also pronounced differently.


You can terrify yourself if you stare into a mirror long enough.


Jimi Hendrix was a better singer than Rod Stewart. He may not, however, have…—More Untruths