January Epigrams


Late at night is never early in the morning. Tomorrow only occurs when you decide today is done.


The things that genuinely frighten you are the things you are completely unaware of.


Don’t think you’re clever if you half understand something complicated but if you can understand how complicated it is then you’re not as simple as you thought.


Dreams mean zip. Dreams are random letters thrown together to make meaningless words in a great novel of gobbledegook. When you come across some old friend wrapped in cling-film in a cinema it’s just, “jcbjhb hfgbh sab kjdah.”


Punk rock was invented by the government to prevent anything real from changing.


You can create the actual conditions of Coldplay writing “Yellow” by sticking a Dyson up a hand-dryer.


Homonyms are also pronounced differently.


You can terrify yourself if you stare into a mirror long enough.


Jimi Hendrix was a better singer than Rod Stewart. He may not, however, have taken such an elegant free kick.


The best way to approach a mountain is to have some idea of what lies at the top.


The earth goes round the Sun and the Moon goes round the Earth. We go round the Moon and moths go round our hair.


People who like to consider what Jesus would do in a given situation should stop and think what he’d do with a flame-thrower and a big bag of crack.


The easiest way to approach James Joyce’s “Ulysses” is to copy it all out in longhand before putting it on the fire.


Words never cause actual pain but neither can they stop it.


Very often films and books we loved in our youth seem embarrassing now. But that is because we have become an embarrassment.


To remember your childhood with fondness is the ultimate contentment and the ultimate betrayal.


There is no greater rudeness than looking down on somebody and no greater revenge than looking up to them.


Pity and disgust should only ever be applied to yourself. Love, on the other hand…


People distrust the restrictiveness of rhymes. Well, I can think of far worse crimes.


If you had sex with everyone you were remotely attracted to there would be precious little time to fall in love. Or get dressed.


Damien Hirst is much funnier than Ricky Gervais.


You can tell people don’t like your record when they tell you they really enjoyed it.


The smart thing to do is to say nothing but you will end up totally insane.


The world would be a more interesting place if the only nuclear power was New Zealand.