Epigrams of March


A cartwheel is the closest you ever get to snowfall.


Feelings are the things you talk about when you have nothing left to say.


A diamond in the rough is vastly inferior to a single shoe sitting in the snow.


If human beings could mind-read they’d never let an animal into their house.


It is in the imagining of such atrocities that we might avoid them.


Don’t hate Phil Collins because his voice sounds like the air being let out of a whale carcass. Hate him because he’s a tax-exile, Tory cunt.


It is time to go to somewhere else where it will be time to go.


By all means seek perfection but don’t ask me to admire it.


Next summer is always better than this one.


I’d rather hear the din of a tap-dancer in an empty skip than a poorly played saxophone.


They say the drums must never stop. True. But should the bagpipes ever start? I like to think there are occasions.


Never seek advice if you’re thinking is so cloudy that you might consider heeding it.


All watches stop in the bath but so does time so that’s alright.


Someone once told me I possessed talent. He’s not looking so clever now.


It is better to live in denial than face the ghastly truth that you’re a dull, irritating moron.


Mother nature: red in tooth and claw. And we have electric toothbrushes.


I wonder how many men have become happier after committing murder.


I have crows’ feet made by kittens’ claws.


It is nobler to knit than to make money from necromancy.


Dig deep enough in the manure of your soul and soon you’ll find a kernel of undigested corn.


If I don’t have a clue, then how can you?


I’d rather body odour than bloody armour.


I don’t have children because I’d hate them and make them form a group.


My memory is pouring down the drain of my oesophagus into my belly.


Nobody believes you if you tell them you’re sick, but tell them you’re well and they swallow it whole.


Some day the wearing of neckties will be regarded as barbarism.


The more technology I engage the more my essence slips into the ether. I am slithering away on a wave of wirelessness.


Never venture further than the deep end.


The government is neither watching nor listening but neither are you to it.


People who say that they’re “people” people should be kept in a vault and shown no mercy.


They say pigs may fly but Richard Branson will never get to space.


I used to think the smell of a carnation was the most heavenly thing. I haven’t been near one in years. Where do they grow, in fields of lapels?


Every second wedding is a wonderful idea.


There is no more sweet smelling breath than that which emanates from the back of a bread van.


Every time I’m in an ambulance the pain goes away.


Did you forget to set a stopwatch? It must be past time, now.