Medical Advice



You can be in love with life without ever noticing the creeping carcinogen of general guilt amassing within. Forgive yourself. It was only drink. You didn’t fuck up the planet. You don’t even own a hairdryer.


When you see happy rich people just remember: that’s what you look like to poor people. But that’s no reason not to relish despising them. Or yourself, for that matter.


My uncle used to go off to a health farm to drink purer gin. He returned rosy-cheeked and better connected. I suppose it was rehab with a little more leeway.


It is a myth that sparkling drinks get you drunk quicker. It is drinking quickly that gets you fucked sooner. Try slamming wine. You become inoperable after a remarkably short time. Probably best reserved for right before they hang you.


When entirely sated it is best to sample one more sip just to be absolutely sure.


Only drink malt whiskey once you have already lost your mind, never before.


You only call them drugs to create a little excitement in your life. You say, “Have you got any drugs?”  when what you really mean is:  “I’m bored now – can I be as boring as you to compensate?”


It is a lie to say that you’ll have more fun doing a bungee jump than you will by ingesting a mad cocktail of stimulants washed down with weak lager. But it is only worth taking photographs of the former.


Remember the more shit you talk the less shit remains in your brain. Talk radio hosts must have unbelievably healthy minds. Or more shit in there than the sea.


When asked for your first memory let them know it’s immaterial but you only hope your last won’t be of them.


When told of the death of a contemporary whom you detested show a little grace for a time by not openly toasting their demise. Half an hour is plenty.


Be very wary of anything that claims to have health-giving properties. You know where you are with shit that makes you ill.


Kill or cure. But what if it’s kill and cure?