Binned OnionsĀ  (Serves 1)




Three large Spanish onions

Six medium sized French onions

Eight medium shallots

A bunch of spring onions


First find the bluntest knife you can find. You can recognize this by the ghastly bleating sound it makes when you slap it off the edge of a wooden table or, if you wish, the kerb.

Take the three large Spanish onions and slice about half a centimetre thick (about the width of a fake pound coin). Throw them in the bin. Open a cold can of beer. Drink.

Then peel and roughly chop the six medium French onions and carefully tip them into the bin. Open a can of cold beer. Drink.

Now chop the shallots as finely as you can manage with your blunt knife. Probably best just to mash them to a lumpy paste with the flat of the blade and then add them to the other onions in the bin taking care not…—More Untruths