Complaints

Are you suffering from a deficit of meaning? Do you pine for some morsel of horseshit to ease your feverish id? You’ll find little here to aid you but go ahead and add your angst anyway. The editor might see fit to satisfy your craving for vapidity with further inanities of her own. Either way it’s more time wasted and wasting time’s the industry of our age.

Your name:

Your email:

Your complaint or question:

Spam test:

How many fingers am I holding up? hint: the answer is 2 

  • I once touched Michael hutchences leg and my friend had a stroke……
     —Di

    I have actually stroked Michael Hutchience. He was very soft and yet also rough, like a well-plumped duvet with a starchy cover.

  • I can’t understand why Fiona complained about your package being too large for her letterbox……I think large packages are the best!
     —Di

    This complaint has been censored by the moderator for being so smutty it has its own chatline.

  • So the Dels are back, I’m so happy I could shit. Just when I’ve learnt to endure your solo ramblings I now find I have to fork out another £35 for next year’s Fiasco. You inconsiderate bastard.
     —Fiona

    Don’t do it. Spend the money on strong drink.

  • My prayers have been answered – Del Amitri in Dublin in January. Some say I have a face like an abandoned shit farm but this will raise the greatest of smiles – even on my visage!!!!! Thank you.
     —Aodán Cunningham

    That sounds like quite a nice face to me.

  • Lifes regret. Del Amitri 1990′s in Portsmouth. You were walking alone behind the theatre. I saw you coming towards me & and at 40 I walked straight by. Always have been a massive fan. Pathetic I know
     —Nick P

    I once got asked along to a studio in LA to hang out with Ringo Starr and was so starstruck at the thought that I immediately boarded a plane to West Virginia.

  • Have you ever wanted to be a caveman? Or a cave, man? You’ll have had your tea.
     —Jayne

    I like the off-shoulder fur one piece but I couldn’t take the draughts in winter.

  • Frankie Vali sang falsetto and walked like a man.
     —jimmyblue

    True, true.

  • Although I’m only 18 I have to admit I have a slight crush on you. My dads sister also fancies the pants off of you. How does it feel to be at the centre of such adulation? Ps. See you on the 12th
     —Alix

    Rid yourself of these toxic ideas and find a purpose in life! But I feel humbled, humbled.

  • i was just wondering what was on elvis,sss television that provoked him to shoot it, possibly an advert, or bruce forsyth, what do you think
     —r kidd

    It was Jesus fellating a monkey.

  • Apologies if asked before; just out of interest, did you ever manage to divide ice from snow?
     —Phil

    No, but I found a new way to make pasta using plain flour, water and a little morphine.

  • I want Daniel Lanois to produce your next album. I imagine he’s very expensive. In other news, I admire your continuous adherence to the belief that big pointy sideburns are fashionable.
     —Jeremy Fisher

    They are only pointy in that photograph I’ve been using. Usually they are fairly blunt. Only the other day they told a nice cab driver he was a fat fuck.

  • Now that the troubles are over in Northern Ireland would you consider a ‘parade’ over here? We need something new to throw things at!!
     —Jock

    Call the commission! I’ll do one thrice a year! In dungarees and yellow trainers.

  • It’s a maaaaannnns world you warbled yonks ago. Can you fix me up wiv a clit ?
     —Always the bridesmaid never the bride

    The only thing amusing about this complaint is the word “warbled”.

  • My son says “if you sang ‘Humpty Dumpty’ I’d like it” He’s not wrong.
     —steve waite

    I’ll think about it, then.

  • When will Lower Reaches be distributed in the USA?
     —ELisa

    When someone pulls their finger out. Soon, ELisa, soon.

  • Todays mindless rant involves the decline of glasgow, the corporate sameness of the retail franchaises and the abundance of intrusive cctv cameras, Community & Parking wardens fleecing you for cash.
     —andrew

    You tell it, Andrew.

  • Do you bristle the press describe del amitri as “pub rock” when they miss both the perfect pop sensibility and, as with the smiths, the dry humour. why did we have to care so much what they thougt?
     —andrew

    It was we who described ourselves thus.

  • Although, I love “the pretender” it still grates when Jackson sings “ice cream vendor” just to make it ryhme – I was never breast fed as a child.
     —andrew

    I wasn’t even breast fed when I was a teenager.

  • When I was younger my Mum made me listen to Del Amitri until I liked it. Then when I bought her a ticket to go and see you in London last year, she got run over and broke her leg. What does that mean?
     —Tiffany

    Tell her to buy another ticket and use its serial number to do the lottery that weekend. She should have a broken arm by Tuesday.

  • If there was a movie made about you who would you want to play the role and what do you think it should be called?
     —kim

    It would be called My Drink And Drugs Hell and star Maxine Peake and Michelle McManus.

  • I got the CD on Sat. One question: that country and western thing. What in the devil possessed you to include that?
     —Lawrence

    Blame the producer. Or blame me.

  • Your package was too large for my letterbox so now I have to visit the sorting office.
     —Fiona

    Your letterbox needs widening. Use an axe.

  • How many times have you been chucked? Seriously? I would also like to complain that big bottles of Peroni have gone up in price to £2.39 in Tesco. Do I win £5?
     —Willie McBain

    You win £4:78

  • It has been a horrendous year, what with Stuar Hall and the X-Factor coming back. So, if Cowell asked to use a Del Amitri song for the vomit-inducing segues, would you agree or tell him to get fucked?
     —Benny

    I couldn’t stop him. Nobody can. He’s spawning, I’ve heard. Or regenerating.

  • I recently saw a middle-aged German with a Casio and a beer-belly performing “Like A Virgin” – the German accent was the icing on a horribly compelling cake. What can you do to top that?
     —Fags'n'booze

    Not a lot.

  • not a complaint. A question(s).Did you ever meet Michael hutchence, if so thoughts? Have you ever met Australian/Scottish (born) singer Jimmy Barnes if so thoughts?
     —Biz

    I once got wonderfully drunk with him in Glasgow. Lovely man and great company. There, that’s my name drop of the week.

  • I’m worried Elton John may gravely interfere with you on Friday. What measures are you taking?
     —Leslie Crowthercounts

    He is too ill to interfere with anybody but having been interfered with by him before I must say that I’ll miss a repeat interference.

  • I will be at Hyde Park on Friday to collect the kiss you sent with your ‘free’ download. I am the burly lady with the stubble. You can’t miss me I’ll be wearing the trousers and my heart on my sleeve.
     —Diz

    XXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!

  • My wife says she went to a party at your flat in the West End years ago…….did you shag her?
     —BR

    I’m still a virgin!

  • Dear Sir, I will be attending your show at the Komedia in Brighton with my gf. I’m sure you hate D.A requests, but any chance you can play the song “Another Letter Home” for us as it’s our fave? xxx
     —Scott Roberts

    You hum it, I’ll play it.

  • Saw a quote the other day “history is the sad result of each one looking out for themselves” any truth in this?? Or am I just getting cynical in my old age?
     —keith

    No. And yes. History is all the evidence humankind needs to understand our essential venality. It’s also an endless collection of “clips ‘n’ cunts” shows on BBC3.

  • Justin, do you remember Sarah from Snack Attack, you once asked her out. She is such a good friend that I have forgiven her. You dripped sweat on me once in Manchester. It was a bit nice.
     —Ali.obrien

    I do, of course but I don’t recall asking her out. I don’t recall ever asking anyone out. But I was single between 1991 and 1994 so it’s a vague possibility.

  • Why does one hate to quote the Ramones?
     —Lawrence

    One hates to quote anybody, to paraphrase Dee Dee.

  • You have given us great up-lift from the music and the viewpoints of many strong and moving songs. I hope that there is a writer that still brings to you something similar through words and melody.
     —Steve Blomerth

    Withered Hand is God.

  • I just read a story about the North Korean leader’s fans singing of the time he got into a fight at a Kowloon table tennis tournament. It was the Kim Jong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Sing Song.
     —Mike L

    They also sing of the time he sank thirty pints of heavy with a grapefruit balanced on his cock. But that doesn’t rhyme.

  • So how do you feel about Biffy Clyro being described as “the Del Amitri its ok to invite to Kerrang” as described in last Saturdays Guardian guide new releases page?
     —fairy queen

    It pleases me anytime I see our name in print. We’ve been airbrushed from pop history in most other cases so even a snide aside is to be welcomed. Believe me.

  • Did you hear Fleetwood Macs “Family Man”, feel perturbed and thought…. fuck that….. and wrote “I’m No Family Man”?
     —tEENAGEcRUSH@jc

    I’m No Mac Fan. Apart from Rumours, naturally.

  • Instead of a signed lyric sheet, could you please enclose a signed blank cheque?
     —Brian

    From The Bank of Rock? No problem…

  • Hugh cornwell ex strangler! good or bad guy
     —mark cunningham

    If he’s a strangler then the answer is obvious. But I don’t think there’s anything intrinsically evil about being an ex-Strangler. Well, other than the strippers on stage and the kidnapping of a female journalist. It’s not Black and White.

  • Are Biffy Clyro just a shit ‘rock’ version of Del Amitri? Or are they quite good? I can’t decide.
     —Tony R

    I don’t believe I have ever heard their music. They seem nice enough blokes. But then, so did The Smurfs at first.

  • Your pre order is welcome but c’mon a signed lyric sheet? Give us a download of a solo show. Failing that put some f@cking effort in and give us some of the tunes that didn’t make the album.
     —Andy McAnd

    No.

  • Stop fucking around in the northern hemisphere and get down to Australia. Heaps of fans waiting for a show.
     —AussieJCfan#1

    I’d do it in a second but no promoters can afford all that cocaine and caviar.

  • A friend made a typo (Freudian slip?): “accunting”. What do you suppose he meant?
     —mcat

    KPMG? Delloite? Ernst & Young?

  • So you buy Saatchi’s story do you? I don’t, The only time a man should lay a hand on a woman is when he is being loving and gentle. What if it was one of your sisters in that situation?
     —kim

    I have throttled my sisters many a time. And as for my mother – Jesus.

  • A while back you posted a youtube video of a tiny little cartoon who chained his car to a chair and drove off and screamed wankers! Was it limmy’s show? Do you have any idea where I can find it?
     —Ole Reinert Berg-Olsen

    No, although Limmy is a great animator that was from Modern Toss. They had two series on Channel 4, I think.

  • I would like to complain that there are no new complaints.
     —mcat

    Will this do?

  • I miss Scotland. The rain, the melancholy, drunks at the kebab shop, me drunk at the kebab shop, walking, riding the Cal Mac from Dunoon to Gourock headphones on. I miss Scotland.
     —discontentable

    I miss wherever you’re at if you miss this godforsaken place so much.

  • why is no surrender in two parts on you tube, and will there be a third, brilliant by the way, on the subject of the girls legs, bet had a go you swine, we love you justin
     —robert lee kidd

    It’s about time I wrote about girls’ legs, isn’t it?

  • Your touring again, brilliant, I will be purchasing tickets for the Lowry, Salford. Hope there’s no window lickers there spoiling the show.
     —Almost a semi finalist

    I thought you said widow lickers.

  • How did it feel to make Chris Difford cry?
     —MrsD

    Similar to making Terry Hall sick…

  • This is a complaint,have you forgotten the name of the album already ? Spot the mistake http://justincurrie.com/little-stars-download/ win a barrel of used confetti. Great song x
     —GG

    I know, I know – it wasn’t me, honest.

    Fixed it!

  • This is not a complaint. I pre-ordered your album today. Just wondering why “My Soul Is Stolen” isn’t on it? It’s one of my favourite songs, could you possibly make it a free download? Thanking you.
     —kim

    I couldn’t make it fit somehow…

  • Red or yellow curry?
     —Mark

    Red for me.

  • Ok, let’s be honest… Seeing you as a support act for K’s Choice and you leaving the stage in Munich after just upwarming 30 minutes for having just come to see you – disastrous! Please Germany soon
     —Stefan

    I know, I know but that’s the lot of the opening act. I’ll come back soon, I hope. I love Germany.

  • Can you turn down the hi hat on the new single please?! It’s very loud. Other than that I have no complaints at the moment. Keep up the good work.
     —Tim Rushent

    Hey, Tim – don’t blame me. I actually hired a producer – you should be proud of me. Besides I TOLD him, “TURN THAT FUCKING HI-HAT DOWN, MOTHERFUCKER!”
    And you know what? The bastard turned it UP!

    x

  • Of all the places I could be right now, in all worlds real or virtual, I am on Justin Currie’s website. Was existence ever more pointless?
     —Lawrence

    No.

  • View cart? Where’s the horse?…or are you trying to flog a dead one….?
     —Chrissie

    More of an ailing donkey.

  • “I consider myself a bluffer.” A fluffer who gives head?
     —Floako

    Exactly. Hang on – fluffers ONLY give head. I’m a fluffer who gives beard.

  • So… You are playing in the park with Elton. Does ‘sorry’ seem to be the hardest word? A man of your talents would know others that seem harder… Surely?
     —Diz

    When I committed to this show it was being headlined by Leonard Cohen. But I’ve met the old goat (Elts, I mean) and he’s very charming and funny so I wasn’t going to pull out was I?

  • Union Chapel in Sept…splendid news! Have just purchased some pew space for me and the mrs. No doubt there will be some new ‘product’ on sale which we’ll buy but never play, but never mind.
     —Lawrence

    As long as you buy it, why should I care? Can you buy two, then?

  • My cat, Lucky, thinks your cat is a bit of a looker. What are the chances of them getting together for some “fun”? Despite his name though he hasn’t got any balls and hasn’t for the last 15 years.
     —kim

    Yes, I’m afraid my Abdul is one womb short of a breeder so no joy there. When encountering other cats she does one of two things. Attempts to destroy them in a holocaust of fur or just sits there sneering.

  • Your 2nd solo album was disappointingly dirge-y, a complete depress-fest, compared to the excellance of your first one. Is your third one better?
     —nic

    It’s a carnival of colourful pop like a Barr’s lorry crashed through the window of a doughnut shop.

  • “What is Cunt For?” – shebop
     —mcat

    Hiding drugs?

  • Wayne Rooney called child number 1 “Kai”, child number 2 “Klay”, and now wants to call his wife “Koleen”; does that make him a kunt?
     —Benny

    At least he’s original. Some parents call their kids Derek.

    Oooh, that was unfair…

  • Are you bringing out a new album before your tour in September or are you just short of cash
     —Rob

    Both!

  • Rather than ask who your musical influences are, as quite frankly I couldn’t give a fuck, how about a tale of two Jeremy’s; Ron Jeremy and his magic cock, or Jeremy Beadle and his magic hand?
     —Benny

    I feel a bit sick now. Serves me right for being rude about your name…

  • Fantastic to see you hitting the road again. See you in Bristol.My question is : how do you subscribe to a mailing list???Cheers, see you soon.Dave
     —Dave Turner

    Watch this space. Shameless promotion soon to commence. J

  • I’m confused. Was Abdul once called Martin or was that another cat you had?
     —kim

    Martin was abandoned  due to his habit of watching porn while smoking crack.

  • Not a complaint, you answered a question from the popcop about Scottish independence and its started a stooshie. My theory is its a parody of those Scots who’d choke and vote no, do I get a gold star?
     —Paul Brown

    You get half a star. I just don’t trust patriots so thought a parody of self-loathing might flush them out.

  • Can you think of one song from your repertoire which would not be improved by substituting any word of the title for the term ‘cunt’? Just Like a Cunt, or Hatful of Cunts could have changed the world.
     —Phil

    What Is Cunt For? Now there’s a hit.

  • Last night I noticed that the nipple count in Game of Thrones is not as high as it was when it first started. I’m not sure if this is a complaint but does it make me a lesbian to have noticed?
     —Sammy

    Are there still as many thrones, though?

  • Are you self-spamming?
     —mcat

    Is that a form of extreme self-harming?

  • How did you celebrate the demise of Baroness Thatcher? Me, I celebrated with half a creme egg (the inside half). Did you know that Thatcher tried to introduce a creme egg tax? Probably.
     —Benny

    I was violently sick into a plastic bag.

  • What do you think about tattoos? I’m considering getting someone’s name on my wrist. I’ve admired this person for many years. Also how are the eggs benedict going? Still enjoying them?
     —kim

    The only excuse for a tattoo is to celebrate ten years at the sea.

  • If it’s unfair to compare songwriters and poets, then what was Jim Morrison? I say singing poet…you say…? And what do you consider yourself, a songwriter or poet?
     —Melancholy Baby

    I consider myself a bluffer.

  • You dunt alf come out wi some bollocks sometimes….! xxxxxx
     —TeenageCrush@JC

    Sometimes?

  • Justin, last year in Wolvo you hit my Girlfriend in the face with a curly wurly (of the Cadburys type) it’s sat in the fridge as I type this, would it be wrong to eat it?. I am peckish.
     —Biz

    Have it!

  • Not trying to bust balls, but methinks you mean ‘peddle’ instead of ‘pedal’ in the aside on the homepage where you go on about 1980 and the such. Don’t feel bad, it was the era of the dinosaurs!
     —Bernie Oliver

    Oh, my gawd, how embarrassing!

    Many thanks for pointing that out.

     

    I am red-faced and profusely ashamed.

  • A search on your complaints page for the word ‘cunt’ produces only 25 hits. I guess that was a complaint of sorts …
     —Peter Verdi

    People just aren’t trying hard enough, are they?

  • do you think cynicism is a disease, and is there a cure if so
     —robert lee kidd

    I imagine it’s an affliction of those with open eyes. Blinding oneself with scissors might be a cure…

  • Whilst entertaining my thrice-daily ablutions, imagine my surprise when I inspected the bowl to find a Currie-shaped shat: have you ever shat(ted) in the form of a 3rd-rate celebrity?
     —Benny

    I once pissed myself and the stain was Cilla-shaped.

  • Take the piss out of Sheffield tonight and Jessica Ennis will come round and shit in your handbag. Howdya like that eh?
     —Dingle Dick

    I can’t think of anything more delightful.

  • I fainted during a Kraftwerk concert at the Tate 2 weeks ago, and now have a rather unsightly large hematoma on my temple. If I faint during tonight’s Sheffield show, could you take me to A&E please?
     —Neil Gallagher

    Serves you right for being cool.

  • I would like to complain about all the repeats on TV and I don’t even live in Manchester. I live in Chester, man.
     —Sir plus torequirements

    Just stop watching YouTube, it’s repeat after repeat.

  • was it worth it to do a 120 mile round trip to witness your gig in a 747 seating arrangement, with iain harvie clones (without the facial hair) shouting for a long way down!!! The answer can only be .
     —Chris Fleming

    Those seats were shit. I hate seats. There should be a slope with a rope to catch any sliders.

  • Out of all the Mr Men characters which one best describes you and why?
     —kim

    Mr. Fussy. He’s fussy.

  • do you think Bradford City stand a chance of winning at Wembley tomorrow? And another thing, do you think all the people/fans/admirers who have followed you for 100 years or so are all mentalists?xx
     —charlotte bronte

    They do and no, I do not.

     

    On the other hand, Swansea aren’t bad.

  • On a recent visit to my local music shop, to purchase a capo, the salesman told me: “That cunt, Currie, has bought them all for his new tour!”. You are, indeed, a cunt, albeit a well-capo’d cunt.
     —Benny

    There is not enough use of the word cunt in this complaint. You cunt.

  • Hi Justin Your interview with the Yorkshire Evening Post has now been published: http://tinyurl.com/c7qpl9n best wishes, andy hutchinson
     —andy hutchinson

    Thanks, Andy.

     

    If I was savvy I’d link to it, wouldn’t I?

     

    Cheers,

     

    JC

  • my dad just saw Ann Widdecombe on tv…he said “her problem is..she needs a good fuckin”…my question…is my dad a genius?
     —Rudis

    Either that or he just loves Anne Widdecombe.

  • I’m from Belfast. Trying to get to one of your next number of parades will be a pain in the arse. Don’t you give a monkey’s toss about your Northern Irish fans?
     —Wilsie

    I do but my agent never seems to get any offers. I work for a small fee and lots of bananas.

  • Who would have thought that in 1972 when (Uncle) Gilbert O’Sullivan released his easy-whistling hit ‘Clair it would still divide our nation as to the true meaning of the song. I would be interested to hear where you stand on this matter Mr Currie Do you think the song was a vehicle to publically ‘come- out’ as a paedophile? Or is it genuinely innocent? Simply a grown man telling us all that he fancies 3yr old girls? I remember fondly an Acid-Skifflle Trio (Belgian I think) whose debut album featured a track titled Gilbert O’Sullivan They had ‘Uncle’ in their name somewhere. The song’s lyrics revealed the band’s undying love for Mr O’Sullivan, stuff about guns and their fondness for bestiality. He never even bothered to listen to the track Maybe it was an’ uncle’ thing or that he found the suggestion of ‘man love’ too overwhelming. Another secret he will take to the grave The guys in that band must have spent so much time ( anything up to an hour tops) writing, arranging and recording the song, yet he can’t even pretend to appreciation the genuine love of leather clad- man band What a wanker My mate kens a gardener who done some work for him last year and told us he never leaves his house nowadays. Suffers from chronic nits. Every cloud an all that.. P.S: Had paedophilia been invented in 1972?
     —Peter File

    I don’t think so, no. Poor Gilbert was completely innocent of such double entendres – he just really liked babysitting that wee lassie so his manager could go out with his wife and spend all Gilbert’s royalties.

  • I interviewed you for the Associated Press in the mid ’90s. You told me it was a mistake to compare songwriters to poets. Do you still believe this? Or were you drunk?
     —Robert

    I still believe this, yes and I’m still drunk.

  • I saw Colin Hay (from Men At Work) the other day. He used to have an Aussie accent in the 80s. Now he sounds Scottish. Are Scots accents contagious, or is he just a cunt?
     —Mike L

    I saw him performing at Café Largo on Fairfax in LA in the mid-nineties. He had a Scottish accent then, I think he always did. But – no matter – either way he is a cunt.

  • Do you really take acid?
     —TeenageCrush@JC

    Not since the nineties, sadly.

  • listening to ivor cutler. genius of a man. http://youtu.be/d8Gt_GpGd4A
     —lemmys big hairy face wart

    Look At The Moon – genius.

    And for a monologue it has to be Gruts For Tea.

     

  • 1998. Don’t Come Home Too Soon. Alas, so angered were they with the sentiment it seems they have decided never to go again.
     —Miss Ann Thrope

    Don’t Bother Coming Back, more like.

  • Bragg puts me in mind of Wolfie Smith, but without the humour. Comes across as a pretentious prick, though I’m sure his mum loved him. I feel sorry for mums, they don’t get a choice.
     —Enoch

    He’s the post-punk Dave Spart!

  • that Dougie Vipond wants his cunt kicking in. i know people. you know what im saying? anyway, that geezer from keane has got a nice voice hasn´t he?
     —lemmys big hairy face wart

    Lovely. And his mum’s got a lovely vagina, too. When she hears him on the radio it howls like a dog.

  • Me and the wife are coming to Stamford to see you. Looking forward to it! Harvie gave her a plectrum last time we saw you in Cambridge. Got any other freebies?
     —Boss

    Have my life, I don’t need it anymore.

  • How would you feel about wearing a kilt on your next tour? Secondly why you no likey Billy Bragg?? Surely you at the very least recognise him as a great lyricist ?
     —Anna-Marie Brown

    Tender Comrade, New England – fantastic songs. But I refer you to his spat with the Manics at Glasto in the nineties where he showed his hand, moaning about them having their own toilet backstage to his audience. I also appeared on Never Mind The Buzzcocks with him and found him frighteningly competitive. He ate up the BBC Not-Funny-Department jokes that were fed to him during the writing rehearsal which I thought was sad. I hate the fact he is regarded as some sort of spokesman by the wooly middle-class media. And I wasn’t impressed when I met him on a plane in Europe where he was in first class while his band, The Blokes featuring Ian McLagan, travelled in economy. As I passed him he looked embarrassed and said it was because he was phobic about flying. It was the apology that made me suspicious. I think he’s a fraud. A nice guy, but a fraud.

    As for the kilt, I’ve done my days in the Scottish skirt, tartan flares too. It’s getting too close to the referendum to be flirting with national symbols, ironically or otherwise.

  • What’s this about you going round telling people I owe you £40 quid?!
     —Dougie Vipond

    You owe me forty quid.

  • I almost choked on my sausage biscuit at the local fast food establishment this morning. I heard a Muzak version of “Cry to Be Found.” I waited for Rod Serling to appear, to no avail.
     —Tony Peters

    Oh, my good cunting lord, I must hear that. The original was PURE muzak anyway.

  • It’s because of Gillian Welch. Right? RIGHT??
     —Peter Verdi

    What is? That I keep taking acid?

  • Have you ever in the past or would you ever hit a woman?
     —just curious

    Only if they hit me first.

  • Thank you for your response regarding the JC blow up doll for my birthday. I don’t need any holes, I’m right with that as I am female. I just need the man bits and a mouth. Thanks again
     —kim

    No arsehole, then? Or is the whole thing an arsehole?

  • i built a little studio in the office above the bar & to get the hang of the software etc. recorded my version of “first rule of love”. its not as good as the original, which is disappointing.
     —lemmys big hairy face wart

    You’re a suicidal fool. Learn some up music.

  • When I came to your site the other day I saw something about everything going wrong. I thought you meant in the studio. Sorry.
     —Glinda

    Oh, that. That was just a shite pun, sorry.

  • Sorry to hear things are going wrong in the studio. I hope it works out. The no TV thing must be awful as well. If you were here you could have stayed with me. I have TV’s and I’d look after you. xxx
     —Glinda

    I didn’t say things were going wrong!

  • If your without a record contract,can you come round and scrub my gusset on my under crackers?
     —Margaret snatcher

    For a fee, yes.

  • Why do you ask for email addresses when you never use em? Anyway….. were you brought up a Catholic?
     —TeenageCrush@JC

    So that one day I can come and violate your privacy.

    And no, but everyone I know was.

  • ..or (b) realiiize, that you’s ar so far up cunt creek, you’d av to cut er up, dispose of er paarts, and gets yaself a nice, legal, mature, sexey, respecable, 16 yr old?
     —Fred West

    Hmmm…Second option.

  • Alrite there, me lovely. If you was an I school mafs teecheer, and you did run away wif a rite luvly 15 yer old fucksome schoolgurl, would you (a) makes sures you put a rubber on ya pencil, or
     —Fred West

    I’m listening…

  • during my acoustic set tonight i played “long way down” but claimed it as my own, simply to impress some girls so they´d want to sleep with me. it didnt & they didnt. thanks a fucking lot, knobhead!
     —lemmy´s big hairy wart

    Next time try Imagine.

  • I see Brian May has got involved in animal rights issues and started showing up on TV without his guitar. Are you going to appear on TV supporting paraplegic-lesbian-transgender-bestiality issues???
     —Phil McRevis

    Stupid arse. What does he care about badgers? He’s rich enough to build a massive marble set for the whole rotten consumption-ridden lot of them. He could buy Shropshire and put them all in a fucking five star badger spa.

  • There I am, reading complaints and chuckling away, BANG! Out of the blue, someone mentions Billy fuckin’ Bragg, cunt. Ruined my fuckin’ evening, shocking.
     —Enoch

    A charlatan of epic proportions.

  • Could you possibly come up with a JC blow up doll by next Thursday because it’s my birthday. Thanks muchly.
     —kim

    How many holes do you need?

  • I FUCKING TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN!! deacon blue? new album? expensive video for new single? justin currie? at home perfecting his wanking technique & posting utter bollocks i am mortified!!!!
     —lemmy´s big hairy wart

    Terribly sorry about that. If you like I can have them drowned in a tub of abattoir run-off. I might save the drummer though, if that’s alright, he owes me forty quid.

  • why does chris martin wear insulation tape round his philanges? because he´s a cunt
     —lemmy´s big hairy wart

    He’s obviously a cunt but to be completely fair the tape is really a post-modern deconstructionist cry for help. Get a fucking parka like Feargal Sharkey. That’s proper stadium rock gear.

  • Are you prepared to fuck my mouth, with a bible?? ……Or any other religious weapon of ass destruction…
     —Her Imperial Majesty Empress Gaga

    Yes. Grease up with some beef rennet and snap your jaw with a monkey wrench. Here comes my parched Torah.

  • If Abdul could talk would she have any complaints about you being her owner? -kym
     —kym

    Possibly the merciless floggings.

  • Hey Jussy! Will you ever play Whales?Sorry I’ve been outta touch, I will shemail you soon! I’ve been head high in my Maddie sex doll. It’s even got a willy for an inflation device! Challenge accepted.
     —John Craven's love bucket

    I’ll be coming soon.

  • Dear Jizzstain. Thanks, for the walk today. I particularly enjoyed the sights from the forested perimeter, of the local convent. But today is wash day. I appear to be fortressing a Terracottan army.
     —Justin's Comesock

    It was very pleasurable for me, also. I don’t think the birds were frightened. They took to the air on a whim – nothing to do with us. Though the rut we left in the soil was.

  • Is it true, that a chicken, is an eggs way of producing more eggs?
     —Justin's Wanksock

    According to the principle of the selfish gene, yes. We are machines built by genes for their completely pointless continuance.

  • My queefing digits, miss your tapinosis tenticles. They hang in the air, in the way that a brick doesn’t.
     —Low Grade Nose Candy

    I hear you, brother. I’m hurting for your fleshy fistings.

  • Which is the worst song in all of recorded history, Phil Collins’ Another Day In Paradise, or Coldplay’s Paradise? And is it something to do with having the word ‘paradise’ in the title?
     —Mike L

    I won’t hear a bad word said about Coldplay. Apart from their abysmal clothes and those self-consciously vandalised instruments. The tunes are far too good to dismiss them so easily. I just can’t work up the enthusiasm to hate them when there are acts like Ed Sheeran to actively despise. So it’s Phil for me. A song so odious and hypocritical that it actually creates a toxic slick of human misery every time it is played.

  • What became of Angry from Manchester?
     —Charles W. Bunloaf

    She emigrated to Portugal and became a chilled-out lesbian.

  • I’m listening to The Fight To Be Human in the pub on my iPod, whilst typing this on my iPad, before going home to a pasta bake and TV. And I live in Cheshire, and work in financial services. Ironic?
     —Gav

    I see no irony just a seamless flow of the modern headache.

  • Ok so if this is a compliants page is there anything you would like to complain about?
     —kym

    You?

  • I once heard that Sir Tim Rice was a big fan of yours. Please write a song with him so the credits would be Curry and Rice. (He’d be a gent and let you first surely?)
     —bastardhead

    I’d rather write with Marc D’Goat.

  • Why the feck are you playing all these venues that are seated?
     —TeenageCrush@JC

    I get to stand so why should I mind? You can stand if you want. And then you can sit down again when some gormless steward decides you’re a menace to the entire fabric of society.

  • Have you ever thought about reforming your old band Deacon Blue? I loved that song about a being in a big country that you did. Or was it something about a boat? Help me. My head hurts
     —adam

    It was about a lilo actually, which I named “Indignity”.

  • Now that the ConDem face is showing ugly cracks, it may be time for the idiots Cameron and Clegg to start plotting what to do next. Any suggestions, O Wise One?
     —Ian Edmundson

    Clegg will go to Europe and Cameron will end up at a bank. Like Kinnock and Blair before them. Boris will be the UK PM by 2015 and I’ll be buying a machine gun by 2020.

  • So with the transfer window about to slam shut, who would you like to sign and for what position? i want Garth Crooks for under the slabs in my back garden
     —Charles Plastusz

    Christ, he embarrasses me and I’m white. I’d transfer Frank Lampard to another galaxy.

  • Will West Ham stay in the premiership? If I buy a ticket for your Bath gig – will you then release a London date?
     —Steve Waite

    Quite possibly but I’m not sure. I’d hang fire if I were you, if fire can in any way be hung.

  • If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?
     —kim

    No.

  • ……”mccartney is actually a thoroughly good bloke & freddie mercury would be wholly supportive of brian may´s antics since his demise”. my argument then fell apart. so i can confirm. you are a cunt
     —lemmy´s big hairy wart

    Mr. Cunt.

  • tonight, one of your videos (i stole from youtube without a hint of remorse) came on the bars´screens. a customer said “is this that cunt who sets fire to synagogues at teatime”?
     —lemmy´s big hairy wart

    Best time for burning anything, I’d say.

  • I’ve been saving the top E strings from my guitar and have decided to stretch them at neck height over a popular jogging route in Hyde Park. Care to watch? I’ll bring the sandwiches and flask of tea.
     —Ham Pocket

    Could you place some B strings at “squirrel” height too?

  • why won´t you come and play in my bar? ok, the pay is shit, it will do nothing for your career and will be a waste of your time, but i´d love it. and its a free break in spain www.mojosmusicbar.com
     —lemmy´s big hairy wart

    That’s the finest offer I’ve had all year.

  • I want you to play a private gig for my friends and family in Chicago, Illinois. How do we make this happen?
     —Matthew Skipper

    Pass me twenty five thousand dollars in unmarked bills under the table.

  • Erm I would really like to go to your show in whitley Bay, my problem is that I will not get up to go to a show at 7.30AM do you realise how early that is? its the middle of the night
     —Lynnededoo

    Lazy-arse.

  • Boris Johnson, What is he/it? I’m incredibly confused, nausous and angry, HELP
     —Charles Plastusz

    He’s a führer in waiting.

  • If you could ask me a question what it would be? I’ll do my best to answer it.
     —Alex Towers

    Why are human beings such utter cunts?

  • Are you providing the coffee and breakfast at your 7.30am gigs in Leeds, Whitley Bay, Sale and Stamford and if so will there be a surchage on the ticket price for those partaking?
     —Tracy

    I was wondering when you were going to notice that. Bugger.

  • Why is the first album always the best and only good album from bands in pop music?
     —tim

    Because success makes clowns of everyone and failure crushes the spirit.

  • What was that song you used to do? .. it went ‘ tum te tum tum, do ba do ba diddly de dum .. da dum dum’ … I think it had some instruments in it?, but i could very well be mistaken.
     —Chris

    Hmmm. Were there drums that sounded like a calamity in a cutlery factory and guitars that resembled the sound of a hyena giving birth? With a retching singer wailing about his own hideousness as if mid-castration? Probably Snow Patrol.

  • Dear Justin. have you ever seen a black greyhound
     —jimmyblue

    The fuckers are so fast it’s all a blur to me.

  • Why don’t you leave that miserable place and come to Canada?
     —Megan

    I’m tied to a stone piano.

  • I’d like to complain, but I’m forever holding my piece
     —@Rileyy_69

    Does your piece measure up to the standards you originally set for it?

  • Dear Justin, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a bit of a dick. I like birthday cards with kittens on, and moderate drinking. But I lay on the smut quite heavy in conversation. Any advice?
     —Lou Brickant

    Try replacing every profane utterance with the expression, “I shit kittens”.

  • Me, you, the milkman. Threesome next Saturday?
     —Graham

    Can we blank the milkman if he’s a bit mean with his cream?

  • I tried growing some sideburns the other day but they just look like a the tin mans moustache any tips?
     —Uncle Tom Cobbler

    Mine have gone grey. I’m just going to paint them on with shoe polish from now on. And then get Botox injected into my scrotum. Here I come, Charts, ready or not.

  • This website is in need of some serious cowbell!!
     —Chris W

    Cancer. Donk.

    OK?

  • Castlemartyr? Why aren’t you shouting this from the rooftops? Soooo many on this island waiting a long time for news like this. Pawning the children and will be the looney up the front.
     —fairy queen

    I was only doing three songs. Not much to shout about. Even from a matchbox top.

  • Shack or The Real People?
     —Chris M

    Bloody scousers.

  • lots of words here. milton would be proud.
     —B

    Ain’t no paradise here, lost OR found.

  • Is beetroot nicer than ham?
     —Damien Welch

    No. Ham is nicer than beetroot.

  • my matesays he saw you riding a bike through a park in a posh bit of Glasgow. apparently you have a very upright cycling position. he said this with a tone of disdain but i told him to fuck off
     —lemmys´big hairy face wart

    One has to keep an eye out for  snipers.

  • Your grossness reminds me of my classmate Podgy (he looked like Odd Bod Junior in Carry on Screaming)Is all the bilge an attempt to hide your deep concerns or have you had plastic surgery Podgy?
     —mrsk

    I have had inelastic surgery.

  • Are you Fifty Shades of Grey?
     —Anna

    Yes, and as rampant and ready to punish somebody as an insane headmaster.

  • I just got drunk on a Twenty, What does that make me?
     —Peter Verdi

    Pretty cool if it was a twenty-pack of Special Brew.

  • Queueing in some canteen, I indicated the chalk-scribbled menu and said: “I’ll have a pissole.” The assistant replied: “That’s not a P, it’s an R.” “OK,” I said. “I’ll have an arsehole.”
     —David Altheer

    This is a joke.

  • In the unlikely event the Queen decided on the balance of probabilities that Cliff Richard was indeed a cunt, and then chose you as a replacement for the Jubilee Concert, what song would you sing?
     —Tony R

    I’ve already turned it down. They wanted me to perform “Giddy Up Daddy” with somebody from Westlife.

  • I’m piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiised xxx
     —teenagecrush@jc

    So am IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!

  • Are you celebrating the jubilee with Johnny Lydon? xx
     —Trudy

    Wasn’t the old tart marvellous on Question Time?

  • If you were to ever become a father, would you prefer a white or black baby?
     —bradyboyqpr

    I wouldn’t mind either way so long as I didn’t get put in jail when I killed it.

  • Three locations from your tour – you have to choose one of them to live in: Runcorn, Middlesbrough or Holmfirth. Which is it?
     —Andrew

    To be honest I’d always go with the biggest town but I rather liked Runcorn, I don’t know why. It’s like a really pretty armpit – not the best part but a neat place to rest a while.

  • Who’s a bigger prick – Michael Gove or David Cameron?
     —Andrew

    An impossible question to answer but if I was forced to get off my tits on crack in a Lithuanian brothel with one of them I’d go for Cameron every time. Gove would just moan and bitch and start scratching his privates whereas Cameron’s so unapologetically venal he’d get right into it. And you’d get more for the photos.

  • There are two eggs and an fish in my fridge.
     —Celia D. White

    You poor dear, Celia. Tomorrow I shall come downstairs and give you the rodgering of your long, long life.

  • we live in an age were the only place you have to queue is in the cash converters as you sell off what remains of your life. Then nip across to poundland to blow the cash, and sit on the church steps
     —rob roughley

    Isn’t it marvellous?

  • Do you ever watch Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares? I love that show!
     —Doug McWilliams

    Ain’t it grand? I love it when the bain-marie morphs into a pus covered flesh trampoline or when the pass starts talking German really quickly and then his hair starts being sick, gushing effluvia into Rachel Stephen’s mouth.

  • Why doesn’t Glasgow do gardens? Outside spaces of private seclusion, where you can behave naturally – and even take your vest off without feeling you’re involving yourself in some public performance?
     —M

    That must be some vest.

  • Air biscuits or the oridinary kind? ;-0
     —TeenageCrush@JC

    I’m way too innocent to know what that means.

  • Were you breast fed or fed breasts recently or in the past ?
     —mother earth

    It’s all in the past, passed, passed, passed away.

  • I hear rumour that you were the man inside Mr Blobby in the 1990s. Was he a good fuck?
     —Billy Bones

    He was a fucking good fuck, Billy, fucking good. Good fucking, Blobby, good fucking. Fuck. It was fucking good fucking Blobby, fuck. Fuck.

  • The triangle is under represented in modern Heavy Metal music
     —Jim Gray

    I think with careful study, Jim, you’ll find it over-represented.

  • Whats the best advice you have ever been given, and did you follow it?
     —Obi Wan Kenobi

    Nothing good happens after 2am. And, no.

  • I’d like to complain. I keep waiting for some songwriter somewhere to come up with a better song than The Legend Of Xanadu by Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich.But no one ever does. It’s frustrating.
     —thelonehydrangea

    Could you give me some pointers so I can at least have a go?

  • I just got around to eating my Christmas selection box, and found the best before date was 30 11 11. What’s going on? I thought Christmas Day was pretty well nailed down.
     —Des

    If you don’t scoff it by Hogmanay you’re a fool. Now, someone get me my cane with the sword inside.

  • my angst is my dog keeps licking the sun lotion off his bollocks..just a quick spray to stop him getting prickly heat on his spuds
     —Rudis

    Clamp his head in a semi-collapsed ironing board. Spray away. Spuds’ll stay chilled like potato salad.

  • Are you experienced ?
     —Jim

    Vastly, but not in the area you might expect.

  • How pleasing that you provide care in the community.
     —Del Torr

    I think of it more as pastoral time-wasting.

  • did you notice how short the audience was in Wolverhampton, are the the patron of some kind of vertically challenged organisation? Great gig, thanks mate
     —Davyboy

    It’s the smokestacks’ stunting.

  • Just got home … Angry at God for a deliberate foul on you, definately an overly churlish response to performing “The Fight to be Human”. What would he have done if you’d played “I’m an Unbeliever”?
     —Leslie Crowthercounts

    He would have smitten me with a sword of succinctness.

  • What’s it like to be outwitted on national TV by Billy Bragg?
     —bradyboyqpr

    It’s like being assaulted by one-armed tramp. One’s sense of shame is nothing to one’s pity.

  • I was persuaded by friends to purchase items in Ikea I did not need and then saw a mis-placed apostrophe on a prominent poster 8-feet high in the store. Which is the greater crime?
     —Sioux

    Your friends’ foolish cajolery. It’s a crime that serves its own sentence.

  • Why is it, when you watch porn, that sometimes they are wearing condoms?? Everyone knows, that boy’s can’t get pregnant……
     —Pope Juicy

    In my day it was a union thing. Now it’s so their feelings don’t fall out.

  • Who were the Weathergirls’ sources?
     —Captain Flint

    A balloon in the troposphere, I am told.

  • I’m a virgin at this sort o’thing but you had my wife in tears again last night (Sleep instead…). We know how good you are, hail hail.
     —Ade L voice

    And hail once more, Ade. Merci!

  • You allured me to believe, that you would husband Horatio to Disney Land. You gannet fed him hallucinogens and plunked him in Toys R Arse!!
     —Kristen Retards

    You speak the language of the Prophets, K. I, sorry to confess, had Horatio horse-whipped for my own gratification which I did all along his edge.

  • What is the nutritional value of your last album? I’m considering eating it slowly over the course of the next month. PS. I’m already fat.
     —Fig Roll

    Four thousand grams of saturated fat plus a soupçon spittle. But I’m not legally obliged to state such information on the packaging. This is an after-sale service I am supplying gratis. Don’t blame me if you get cancer or drown in your own ear wax.

  • Fat Larry’s band. Fat Larry’s banned. Why can’t you be more like Fat Larry?
     —Zoom

    I am Fat Larry and I’m married to Fat Sally.

  • it’s not a complaint i just couldn’t figure out how to use twitter or my space! thanks for having a go at fred partington’s daughter – i liked the first 2 lines…
     —sarah

    The first four lines, please! Sorry…I tried, but as ever, I failed.

     

    Now go to bed.

  • Why do men wear ties when they don’t have to ?
     —Always the bridesmaid never the bride

    So they don’t have to wear ribbons round their dicks.

  • What cd’s in the Merc at the moment and what’s the next gig/concert (not yours smarty pants) you’re going to ?
     —Anna

    I have a ticket for Tommy The Tanzillo at the Locarno, June the 4th.

  • Just to let you know that Angry From Manchester gave me a headache this morning when I had to ring him about why his Jobseekers Allowance has been stopped. Repeats on TV are currently his least worry.
     —Ian Edmundson

    Poor sod.

     

    You and him.

  • There was a song you played at Bristol the other night, about being at a funeral for a friend’s Dad who was a git. Is the song on an album? I listened to the solo albums again but couldn’t find it…
     —Kyle

    A git! Yes! It’s called Old Git! And it’s entirely unavailable.

  • How quaint. Justy is now talking to the plebs. The last time he did that he told all the Del Amitri fans to fuck off when “Can You Do Me Good” sold 3 records. He also said that they would come back and blow our minds, the only thing Justy has blown since is his beans. PS- I Prefer your B- sides.
     —bradyboyqpr

    And I prefer the early cassette demos from 1979. Footfall, now there was a tune.

    Just because you’re eight foot three don’t take it out on me.

  • …a few mins from the Town Hall. Supprt gig at Central Bar is at 6.30pm. You will follow this at 9.30pm at the Old Town Hall. Hope this helps.
     —It's spelt with a J not a G

    Christ, it sounds like a gothic horror story.

  • There’s some soup in my hair!
     —Diz

    Carefully comb it out with a toothbrush scraping any solid matter on the edge of the toilet bowl. Use a spoon to ferry the rest of the soup into your mouth, taking care to keep any stray locks away from your face with your other flipper.

  • I thought Derek on Saturday night was called Derek Beans. That would have been the only thing I liked about him. Apart from his wit. And hair. You were alright. Much love always xx
     —Trudy Salandiak

    I was a lot more than alright. I was ok!

  • Write a novel
     —Derek Turnbull

    No.

  • I’d like to complain about your manager: what is he waiting for to get you some gigs in Barcelona? Collons! (rude Catalan word expressing anger)
     —Adrià Farré i Manresa

    Leave him alone, he’s only small!

  • What kind of iPod do you use?
     —Peter Verdi

    It’s an X1661 MkII with the upgraded menty bodger on the help stick.

  • Are you mad for writing this shit…………………………………. or am I for reading it? ;-)
     —Dave B

    Better out than in, I always say.

  • Is it true that the SFA made a pact to never qualify for another major football tournament whilst there was any possibility that you would want to record the official squad song? #alwayshometoosoon
     —Paul

    Are you suggesting that my immediate death can only improve the fortunes of the Scotland football team?

    What a shame I’m not a patriot, then, otherwise I’d be ramming a screwdriver through my left eye as we speak.

  • Last year you signally failed to play ‘If I Ever Loved You’ at Union Chapel in spite of my request. And twiglets are not as marmitey as they once were. Yet I am with a ticket and more twiglets. Why?
     —Lawrence

    I’ve done the bastard twice already on this tour.

     

    And Twiglets are made from the thigh bones of small owls and should be banned.

  • What was the first song you ever wrote?
     —Susan

    It’s Nice Here, They Give Me Petrol.

     

    The complete lyric sheet reads: It’s nice here. They give me petrol.

     

    I promise you this is true.

  • Whats the crack with Gateshead, it says Sat 2nd on here but can only find 3rd and 4th ‘on-line’
     —TeenageCrush@JC

    I have Saturday, the 2nd myself.

  • I’ve heard a lot of rumours. Are they true?
     —Elliot

    The rumours are true but the allegations are entirely false. And the suspicions are baseless. And conjecture is futile.

  • Great show at Buxton, but there was no need for that olympic standard glare I got when I shouted for Gibert O’Sullivan. It’s still a good song and your fanbase needs educating in your hidden dark side
     —Ian Edmundson

    I have no idea about what you mention. But thank you for the request, whoever it was by.

  • My balls taste like rutabagas.
     —Sasha

    I had to look that up. You have educated me. Congratulations on your balls.

  • Do you still think all your fans are also fans of Deacon Blue? Quite a bit of slander you came up with in an interview years ago
     —Andy

    I know some of them are and that’s fine by me. I’m a fan of filling my ears with burning tar and I don’t expect them to enjoy that.

  • what chance is ther you will say “dont you know who i am ?” when getting knocke back by bouncers of liverpool night clubs tomorrow night?
     —liverpoolbud

    Do YOU know who I am? Help me…

  • last week the reflection of the sun off one of your CD’s set fire to my curtains and burnt the house down. I demand compensation.
     —Hugh Jarz

    How much was your house worth unburnt?

  • Hi def, or def. high?
     —Mr. J. Daniels, Esq.

    Is this a hip-hop reference I don’t understand?  But on balance, def high.

  • Lull them into a false sense of security and then spring the trap, or just mow them down with a Tommy gun?
     —Mr J. Daniels, Esq.

    Poison their yoghurt.

  • I’m writing to complain about all the repeats on TV
     —Angry, from Manchester

    Awful, ain’t it, Angry? And the internet? It’s just one BIG repeat.

  • I hereby decree that your next album will be named Uncle Charlie’s Salty Numchucks. So it shall be done. Gong sound.
     —Cletus

    BONNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG!!

  • What is there to complain about?
     —Eric

    Horror.

  • I’m going to get my legs sandpapered. What grade would you recommend?
     —Michael C. Hall

    I’m not sure. What is the state of their skin? If we’re talking encrusted with horrible pustules and pits there may not be a grade to suffice.

  • You never paid me for the meth.
     —Horace

    I fuckin’ did, Horace, you junkie liar. YOU never paid me for the blow job.

  • Do you have a sneaky copy of Japanese Boy by Aneka in your record collection?
     —Mike L

    No. I have three copies.

  • Pull your head out of your ass and have a bloody normal website. This is just utter shite. Is this angry at the world bullshit considered ar
     —Matthew

    What’s not normal?

  • Seriously though, when are you coming back to the states? It’s too sunny here.
     —Mike W

  • My therapist told me you’re the root cause of my inability to maintain a stable relationship. Thanks.
     —Mike W

    Please don’t mention it. That I fucked your therapist, that is.

  • The Brits and bidets? Wtf ?
     —Cards on the table

    We have a problem with our holes.

  • I hear that celebrities like to *Hob Nob* with the rich and famous. What biscuit would you say best describes your celebrity lifestyle?
     —Mr Kripling

    I find that the entirely overrated Liebniz Chocos are merely Rich Teas smothered in some confectionary. For me it’s a fig roll every time.

  • So … who is behind this website here? JC or even God? At least the white pages spend a lot of light!
     —herr schoen

    I am in the business of spending as much light as humanly feasible before I die.

  • Why did you do that thing to me?
     —Baggyballsac

    Because you were begging for it and at heart I’m a kindly gentleman caller.

  • No, Surrender. You’ll Always Walk Alone. ….can I suggest Bridge Over Peaceful Waters? She Buys Sanctuary? I’m Still Sitting?
     —By4oclockitthawed

    They don’t work. They’re far too positive. We Are Not The People works. As does There’s Not Enough Black In The Union Jack. Drool Brittania? Soured of Scotland? I don’t know. I quite like Bridge Over Crystal Waters. Or, Don’t Let It Be. Even better, Never Imagine. OK, I know it’s a trick. But songwriters need tricks to get themselves going in the morning. I mean, what is I’m Not In Love if not a brilliant trick?

  • why is the ‘uk top 40′ filled with such utter bollocks?
     —wilsie

    Because it always was and it always will be. Pop charts are like general elections. Nobody gets what they want but somebody somewhere is laughing all the way to the bank. And once upon a time it was me.

  • When will you bring ennui to Australia? Too many happy people here. Come and play for us.
     —John

    Nothing, not even the summer, would make me happier.

  • I must say this is exactly the sort of rubbish I need. Start the mindmeld.
     —John Tinkelenberg

    OK, John. Say you’re standing at the bottom of a steep slope and at the top of the slope there’s a tiger wearing a fez and a pair of black ladies’ underpants. The slope is a cobbled street hemmed on both sides by two storey granite terraces. There are a few shops selling nick-nacks strung here and there up along the hill. Say that you’re sitting on a massive tricycle, painted orange with a big basket on the front full of sausages. You’re facing the tiger and she’s eyeing you lasciviously. Her drool is slowly spooling from her jaws and winding its way down the slope towards your wheels. Those wheels need a little air, they’re flattening out under your weight. You have forgotten your big brass pump. You left it in the shed along with the homemade bomb and the magazines about model-making. Say that the sun, just then, dips behind a blimp. A broadcast blimp, training its camera on the cup final match that’s just kicking off over to the east. You hear a whistle and a distant roar. There are a hundred hooligans at your throat and the road is strewn with rattles and long woollen scarves – rattlesnakes! Rattlesnakes!

    Is the tiger still there?

  • Would you consider doing a cover of C.Porter’s “Night and Day” wearing a gimp mask? Should sound sublime.
     —M

    Yes. I would. I just have. And I’m gonna.

  • Does Michael C Hall come here to buff his dark side?
     —Granny Pants

    Who he? Anyway, if you buff your dark side it only gets brighter leaving the other looking the more shady in the long run.

  • I heard that you shaved your arsecrack when you dicovered it was growing sideburns. Did it look like Noddy Holder sucking a lemon?
     —Paul McMurray

    Have you been hacking into my hard disc? I had a hard time hacking away at my arse locks, let me tell you.

  • So if ya not lincensed to Ryko anymore does that mean we have to wait even longer for a new album? Not impressed Mr Currie…. distressed..
     —TeenageCrush@JC

    Probably, yes. It’s all written. I just can’t afford to get Mutt Lange to produce it. Then again, neither could Bryan Adams.

  • Fess up. Are you writing your own questions AND answers just to amuse yourself? Pitiful.
     —B. Little

    Pitiful? It’s an inspired idea. I’m going to start now, B, you little minx.

  • How can the greatest songwriter of our time be without a recording contract?
     —Mats

    Is Pete Doherty looking for a deal?

  • Would it be too much trouble to hop on a plane to Denmark and play a gig or two?
     —Jakob

    Not if your rich dad’s paying for all the prostitutes and beer.

  • The british
     —Little Wormwood

    Brit-ish, yes…

  • Oh, and there’s a lady who is SURE that all that glitters is gold, but I suspect she’s paying too much attention to infomercials.
     —Lance A Schart

    If this is a reference to Led Zeppelin, I don’t get it. I honestly don’t.

  • We need more butter, but you appear to only carry the unsalted variety. And, really; youth sports practice at 3:30 PM on a bank holiday?
     —Lance A Schart

    I have a strict margarine policy. It’s that or I leave for Adelaide. They wouldn’t question my ideas there. They wouldn’t poo-poo such innovation like so much hot air. They wouldn’t disregard genius.

  • why can’t you move on from what we had? it’s over.
     —curriedoll

    Don’t say that, Curriedoll. Don’t be so cruel. I still have your license plate hanging on my wall.

  • I want to know what love is but the interface is as crushing to my self- esteem as the realisation that fennel is a herb and not a rabbit
     —Always the bridesmaid never the bride

    I shall be your broken interface forever.

  • having now read previous posts i still don’t get the joke, by the way I’m a big phil collins fan
     —robert lee kidd

    Me too. I like his relaxed attitude to his reputation for being a little Tory twat. The one thing with Phil is, you see, he’s GRACIOUS.

  • why do you dis your del amitri stuff, i think its superb
     —robert lee kidd

    I’ve never dissed Del Amitri in my life. I’m still IN Del Amitri and I’d slap anybody round the chops who had a pop at its record.

  • Do you remember your german fans…..Cologne 1997? GREAT!
     —Reinhard

    I remember you all fondly, my little German beauties! Perhaps one day we shall meet again over fine cold lager and some cheeky currywurst!

  • More cats please.
     —Chrissie

    I shall endeavour to dig a few up. From the waste-ground round the back of our Kev’s.

  • Couldn’t Ryko at least put the tour dates on their website, if Y’know its not too much trouble?
     —Leslie Crowthercounts

    I am no longer contracted to Rykodisc so it’d be a little unfair to expect them to promote an artist who might well be signed to one of their competitors. But thanks for caring, Les.

  • Are you spending too much time walking alone?
     —Mike W

    Hmmm. How does one answer such a fiendish question? Mike, I am not, I am not, for I fear that walking with others, especially outdoors, is entirely against the law.

  • Are you some sort of cunt or something?
     —Cecil

    Yes, Cecil. I am the sort of cunt who steals from strangers’ bags while smiling in their faces, who professes to be pure while being the perpetrator of countless disgraces. I am, in short, the same sort of cunt as any other who is blunt to the point of insult and affront. I am a cunt, I am a cunt, I am a cunt, I am a cunt.

  • The Voice? Discuss.
     —sioux

    I am studiously ignoring said television programme. As soon as I saw those ghastly chairs it put me in mind of some nightmarish hairdresser/interrogation room combo.

  • Any chance of you ever braving the elements and coming to Belfast to gig? We’re all fairly civilized now – nobodys bombed anything in ages.
     —Ross Alexander

    I’d love to, Ross but I never get any offers. I’ve always loved Belfast so it’s a crying shame.

  • Why you did not play in italy since so many years???
     —Simon

    A restraining order?

  • A dead pigeon rots away in a puddle. A flock of piglets feed on its bloated carcass. Could this herald the return of The Uncle Devil Show?
     —Peter Verdi

    I am legally obliged to ignore any and all references to the group of whom you speak. I will have my day in court.

  • How much fun would it be to find a portal that leads into Phil Collins’ head, a la “Being John Malkovich?
     —Mike L

    About as much fun as having your eyeballs removed with a Bic biro whilst suffering from Dengue fever. Actually, less fun than that. Unless, just as you entered him he was in the middle of an argument with Adele about who is more “black”. That would be fun. You could start humming “Dreadlock Holiday” until his head exploded, hopefully taking the fake diva out with the impact.

  • Let’s face it, as a unit shifting artist your days are probably numbered; take comfort at least you’re not Nick Heyward!
     —Mr. Boots

    I think “numbered” is putting it a little kindly. “Gone down the drain with all your potency, passion and dark hair” would be more accurate. But thank you for your leniency.

  • Have you ever considered writing children’s books?
     —Ms.Poppins

    I am working on one now for all the little poppets who have yet to understand the futility of existence. It’s called, “Your Mum’s Going To Die, Your Dad’s Probably Fucked Off Already And You’re Going To Die”. I was thinking of asking you to do the illustrations.

  • How is it you decide to come to Stockton two weeks after I decide to move to Abu Dhabi?
     —Jez

    So, let’s get this straight. You’re going to decide to move to Abu Dhabi exactly two weeks before I play in Stockton? Why don’t you just decide now not to go until after I play? Job done.

  • Is the real JC involved in this charade or is it just some bitter, stunting
     —Damo

    Damo, I think you got cut off in mid-flow there, did you not? I fear my text box is a little tight. I might have to give it a sharp yank, I’m not sure. But to attempt an answer; yes, I am He – Jesus Christ, and I am bitterly stunting little laddies growth as we converse.

  • Danke Schoen, darling Danke Schoen, thank you for correcting my unforgivable phrasing…it’s the schnapps you know. ;-)
     —Friedrich Nietzsche

    To be fair, if you can spell your own name correctly, Fred, you’re doing pretty well.

  • I pine, do you? You do. Do you?
     —Echo

    Do you, you?

  • what would you die for?
     —Sour Snicket

    A little less love and a little more conversation?

  • The door revolves, Dick Whittington has more cupboard space than me. What should I do Beechy .?
     —Always the bridesmaid never the bride.

  • Why could Stranraer save a lot of points by signing Hib`s goalie ???? Oh shit, am I on the wrong band`s website ?? !!
     —Scottish Tourist Bored

    Possibly. On this website we’ll only say that we would rather you’d written it, “Hibs’s goalie”. Unless, that is, you are a supporter of the little-known Scottish league team, Hib?

  • This morning I had a normal krispie with by chocolate ones. When you get to work at Kellogs, tell your boss I am seeking compensation
     —Pierre Le Fruffe

    Have you a terrible head-cold?

  • who is that…at…at…at….at? Love, Echo ;-) xxx
     —Echo

    I’m really lost now. Where IS that damn reflection?

  • Isn’t it true that many a truth merely masquerade as untruth and hence the untruths designation here in Hades is just existential ejaculate?
     —Friedrich Nietzsche

    Grammar would be helpful.

  • Is that you Narcissus? Love, Echo
     —Echo

    Who is that? Love, Narc.

  • Word on the street is your latest is great! Except it needs more Accordion…
     —Andy Alston

    The only thing, as I’m sure you’re man enough to admit, that needs more accordion is the incinerator. But I’ll mull it over, Fake Andy. In the meantime sort out that hedge. It’s beyond a joke. I found the desiccated corpse of a child in there last week.

  • What the fuck is this shit? I thought the internet was for porn.
     —Horses McFaddon

    It is. Stay tuned for massive scrota filling porridge pots with bountiful ejaculate.

  • Will you ever again grace us with your presence in the U.S.A? Specifically Minneapolis.
     —Shaun

    As soon as my attorney springs me from the can.

  • Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat?
     —Baggy Ballsac.

    Because, as everyone knows, he’s a Tory.

  • Why the fuck does Maggie Brown keep calling me about her burst suitcase at 4am? Its annoying
     —Leslie Crowthercounts

    Because she’s running away from her shotgun totin’ husband, James.

  • It don’t look good from where I’m standing,ganting
     —Always the bridesmaid never the bride.

    Always the best man, never the groom.

  • Are you a complete wanker or are you sometimes just a bit of a dick?
     —Showbiz Sam

    On the whole I’d say I’m a bit of a wanker but a TOTAL dick. If you disagree with that then I can get quite arsey.

  • When are you going to get it together to give us a third album? I’m bored of waiting. Thanks.
     —dave

    When this bloodthirsty cur takes its paw off my neck.