Binned Onions (Serves 1)
Three large Spanish onions
Six medium sized French onions
Eight medium shallots
A bunch of spring onions
First find the bluntest knife you can find. You can recognize this by the ghastly bleating sound it makes when you slap it off the edge of a wooden table or, if you wish, the kerb.
Take the three large Spanish onions and slice about half a centimetre thick (about the width of a fake pound coin). Throw them in the bin. Open a cold can of beer. Drink.
Then peel and roughly chop the six medium French onions and carefully tip them into the bin. Open a can of cold beer. Drink.
Now chop the shallots as finely as you can manage with your blunt knife. Probably best just to mash them to a lumpy paste with the flat of the blade and then add them to the other onions in the bin taking care not to spill any on the floor or, if you wish, the pavement. Open a cold can of beer. Drink.
Finally, take the spring onions and tear them apart, imagining if you can that they are a tiny green thin scaled down Midge Ure. Throw the pieces in the bin.
You should now have no onions left and three empty beer cans. Add them to the onions in the bin and go to the nearest pub. Order Scampi and Chips.